Go With All Your Heart

*This was written and meant to be posted yesterday, 28th April 2020. Ooops! :)
One year ago today I jumped out of an airplane for the first time.
 
In Norway.
 
Why Norway? I was tired of waiting. Twenty years ago I decided to add skydiving to my bucket list. In 2011, before my trip to Iceland, I searched for jump sites. There were none. A friend in Louisiana had jumped for her first time a few years ago and then a second time a year later. It got my brain buzzing again. As I planned my trip to Norway last year, on a whim I searched for jump sites. One stood out: Skydive Voss. This is it. This is the time. Norway is the place. I HAVE TO JUMP.
 
Shakespeare counseled us to stay true to ourselves. My index finger hovered over the keyboard. Was I really going to do this? I HAVE TO JUMP. Am I sure I’m not too heavy? I kind of misrepresented my weight. I HAVE TO JUMP. What if the parachute doesn’t open? I HAVE TO JUMP. Submit Payment. Click. I guess I’m going skydiving in Norway. I’m going skydiving in Norway. I’M GOING SKYDIVING IN NORWAY!
 
Earlier today, I looked out my window intently. Where was the cardinal that lives in the big evergreen? Eyes scanned various trees outside my second-story window. There he is! The cardinal reminds me of my friend Laurie whose life was cut short by cancer. Tears begin to stream down my right cheek, then left. A year or so before she died—before she even knew she had cancer—she gave me a late birthday gift. Laurie always gave the best gifts. One of the gifts was a wall hanging. It measures 8 x 10 and sticks out from the wall about one inch. On the canvas it has an antique map with part of the world in pale green tones—like the green of an old globe. In beige bold capital letters, there is a message that reads, “WHEREVER YOU GO, GO WITH ALL YOUR HEART.”
 
I have been reflecting in recent weeks on my life--the highs and lows, and how I got where I am. Is where I am where I am supposed to be? A few months ago I acknowledged the gypsy spirit within me and how roaming is necessary for soul survival. Wherever you go, go with all your heart. I currently reside in Des Moines, Iowa. Why Iowa? I was born here and my roots are here, my extended family. I never really lived in Iowa until now because before I turned one year old, my father joined the Air Force and our military life began.
 
I look up at this photo on the wall above my desk. This was the moment. I could have turned back. I HAVE TO JUMP. In the months leading up to this moment, my work life was shit. Mere weeks before this moment I had slipped into an emotional crevasse, the deepest kind out of which you’re not sure how to escape. I HAVE TO JUMP. For me, that jump represented my ability to conquer fears, leap over hurdles, and keep going. I was saying to myself, “You are a ROCKSTAR and you can do anything.”
 
Watching the cardinal sitting on the branch, a thought surfaces. “Laurie would be so proud of me. I faced my fear and jumped out of that plane. I am fearless. I always have been.” Then I laugh because she would have also told me I was crazy for jumping out of that plane. Wherever you go, go with all your heart. I jumped out of that plane to recapture myself, embolden myself, and to remind myself I am not afraid. In that moment, I was all in.
 
Editing and writing is where I am all in—it is my home. I shouldn’t chase things that aren’t meant for me. I shouldn’t take jobs that leave me feeling meh. Wherever you go, go with all your heart. My soul needs to be all in, whatever it is I am doing. I left that job last year, just a week after I returned from vacation. I’d had an epiphany. Some may call it a reality check. My health, both physical and mental, was being sacrificed. I was on the road to death. Wherever you go, go with all your heart. I had no backup plan, no new job lined up as a safety net. I hadn’t planned it. But I had to have faith the parachute would open.
 
I HAVE TO JUMP.